One night left.

On facebook I said I was having a litter of kittens and several of my friends took me seriously...even offered to adopt some. As I commented, I think Stanley would be hard pressed to deliver.

I feel very nervous. I ought to go and exercise, but somehow it seems easier to just sit in front of the TV and watch a movie. Just like I did last night. The prospect of going to court tomorrow just makes me want to hole up. But maybe afterward I'll go for a nice long bike ride. I have the day off. It's probably a good idea to find a way to spend some energy. Energy that just seems bottled up right now. And as much as I'd like to release a little of it on the eliptical machine I just can't.

Tomorrow I'm going to be alone for real...I suppose it's not big change. But having it be official feels different.

It's gray and wet outside. The streets are shiny and the leaves on the maples are sobbing.

I can see why these extra scenes in Save the Last Dance were cut. They really weren't necessary.

I see other couples' problems differently now. I see other people working things out and I feel bad that I didn't try to work out my own. That I just ran away. Lots of guilt. Seems to be my theme these days. Guilt. And loneliness.

Only a few days left

Watching Ironman. This is my favorite part: before he gets really good at using his suit; when he's still in the lab testing its various functions...flipping backward into the wall...trying to keep very-polite robot assistant from spraying him with fire retardant. The first flight...the best part is really the look on his face as he experiences flight for the first time.

Michael and I played Frisbee Golf together today. It would take me quite a lot of practice to attain proficiency. Right now my aim is quite poor and I don't tend to get much distance on my throws. The important thing, though, was that we talked, and I think I found out that he is not upset with me. I've spent more than nine months being afraid of him and all my other friends.

Next Thursday is my court date. Pete and I show up at court at 9:30 am and go before a judge. And assuming everything goes smoothly and we can complete the last bit of paperwork without a hitch, that will be it. We will be divorced. Of course there will still be house refinancing stuff to attend to. The bank takes a while to respond to online refi requests. We should have started it sooner...I didn't have a clear idea what was involved. It's not easy to find the information you need online...there's lots out there, but nothing that really helps you if you start out without knowing the right questions to ask. I didn't know that we should simply ask the bank about refinancing. I thought there might be more involved...that we might need an attorney to handle the whole thing. Apparently we don't...or at least not until we get to the quitclaim, and even with that we might be able to do it alone. I wonder if the legal system deliberately makes the process a little obtuse. I was surprised that the real estate lawyer I talked to had no real idea how to handle the transfer of a house in a divorce. I would think this sort of situation would come up often.

The guy they have playing Tony Stark is really the person who makes the movie. The movie has the potential to be much less than it is...more superficial, without him. Truthfully, there are a lot of things about this movie that bother me. The cop-out reliance on generic Arab-terrorist bad guys. They should either be more specific about their bad guys so it doesn't seem quite so much like a stereotype, or they should have simply picked a "new" terrorist group that doesn't have any (or many) current analogues...maybe South American bad guys or Australian bad guys. I sort of thought it would be entertaining to pick a really unlikely group, like Icelandic terrorists...you know, all upset about their failing currency. *grin*

Oh and here he goes, all flashy red and gold and saving villagers. And apparently he has now figured out how to fly. I always wonder how superheroes with suits could possibly have predicted the gadgets they would need...and have built them into the suit. How do they all fit? Surely little shoulder-mounted mini cannons take up space!

Knitting for forgiveness

Just purchased three skeins of Noro silk garden yarn and I’m very excited to have a knitting project again. An excuse to watch television. The therapeutic, rhythmic stress remedy I’ve been missing for months. There’s nothing quite like plopping myself in front of a comfort movie like White Christmas or While You Were Sleeping and picking up my needles. I feel productive and yet relaxed in the same instant…the same long string of instances. I wind up my tension in the ball of yarn and let it go.

I’m making a scarf for my best-friend-since-we-were-five. We’re not as close as we were as children…few people are lucky enough to achieve that. Still, I feel fortunate to have had a friend for more than 20 years. I’m only 27 so that’s a good portion of my life. I’m nervous though. This year money is tight yet I feel I need to make her something nice, something creative. I feel the need to apologize to her for getting divorced. She’s LDS and believes in the sanctity of marriage with her whole heart. She just got married last summer and is probably still floating in the first-year bliss bubble. I haven’t told her about the divorce yet. I dread doing so. I don’t want her to judge me. Why should I worry so much about such a good friend judging me? Well, I feel guilty for not having told her yet. I worry that she won’t be able to see beyond her beliefs about marriage and family and see me.

So I’m making her a scarf. To show her I love her and to beg for forgiveness. I hope she understands.

Crazy Health Questions

I can't beleive these are on a real health risk assessment.

If you had to rater your current state of health, how would you answer?

How many times in the last month did you drive or ride when the driver had perhaps too much alcohol to drink?

How many days a week do you at least 20-30 minutes of physical activity, without stopping, in which you breathe heavier and your heart beats faster?

If you drink alcohol, do you ever drink more than 5 drinks at a time?

At any time in the past year, how often have you felt that interesting and challenging situations full your life?

Marriage Counseling Part 1

Pete and I attended our first marriage counseling session yesterday. Whew.

I asked for a divorce a couple of weeks ago. And now we're here. I'm looking for closure. He wants to save our marriage. But I am beyond done.

I've been putting it all to bed for the last two years. I'm ready for this. More than ready. Yearning.

I've been home (at my parents' house) for the last two weeks. And I feel freer and more alive than at any time I can remember. At once with the independence of a little age and experience, combined with the sudden freedom of not having anyone to be accountable to. No one expecting me home. No one I must explain myself to. No one to disapprove of me. No one I must fuck so he's distracted from my unhappiness.

I feel guilty for having these thoughts and wants. They feel so selfish. But this feeling is exhilarating. I've wanted this. Needed this.

Lending a Helping Hand

I fiercely admire my friend Michael. He may not be able to work, but he gives so much of himself anyway. It can't be easy.

There has been a tremendous amount of rainfall here this week...and a lot of communities are treading water, especially small towns in low lying areas. The Red Cross calls Michael, and he is there. He's able, capable, smart, and, above all, willing. He wants to be there. If he could give all of himself he would , and he would be sad that it wasn't enough.

I think with guilt of my own lack of contribution to causes like his. I can't think of a time in my recent memory that I've extended a helping hand to someone who really needed it. What's the most charitable thing I've done for someone recently? Well, Pete and I gave our moving boxes to some friends...but that took no effort...and we were happy to see the boxes go. When one of my co-workers was having a blood sugar crash, I rushed to get her some hard candy. But that's not a big important cause. I don't stand for much these days, and I wish that I did. But I don't think much of myself and I don't see much potential for anything I do to have the slightest impact.

And I look at what Michael does. And I know he despairs because he thinks the same of himself. Nothing is enough. Nothing is good enough. The world swirls by and I sit in the carriage and watch it through the closed window...without the gumption to get out and walk in the mud.

Nudging Each Other Toward Anorexia

I recently joined an online group called The Daily Plate in the unceasing effort to try to control the greedy little critter inside who demands brownies. It's really a well-designed site, with a very well put-together calorie and exercise tracking tool. I find it much more fun and easy to use than a little notebook. Every time I've tried carrying a food journal around I have only succeeded in using it for a couple of days...at the most. This online tool is great since I can access it from anywhere.

One thing that troubles me, though, is the online forums that are part of the site. I joined one of the groups to see what the conversations were like. There are all girls who are trying hard to lose weight, and many of them are doing it by eating 1,000 calories a day or less. Every day. Now, I've done that a time or two, but after a few days my body just can't do it anymore. I find myself yearning after sustenance. So it's hard to feel that I can gain much from reading those posts. I feel a little heart sick reading them. Not very encouraging.

These online communities can be dangerous. I've heard about similar online groups for anorexics, where they trade tips on how to throw up (well that's more for bulemics) or how to will power your way through an entire day with nothing but diet soda. I feel like it could be easy to get sucked in. So I'm wary of the online forums on this site. I know I'm vulnerable.

Finding a balance is really hard. I don't think I'm there yet. Oh screw that, I KNOW I'm not there yet. Not when I still have to think about eating so much in order to do it right...or to do it wrong. A lot of the time, I think that one of the biggest dieting problems there is is thinking about food. If one can just stop thinking about food, stop worrying it in the back of your mind like a canker sore, then I think it would be a lot easier to be a healthy eater.

People who are obese...behaviorally...I think they must think about food every second of the day. It's not that they don't think about what they're eating. It's that they can't stop thinking about it.